An epic of much less epic epicness
===============================
So after watching Scott Pilgrim last night with my amazing girlfriend, I started thinking about similarities in the things that I had to do in order to seal my place in her life, and just for a laugh I thought I would tell you about the seven evil exes that I had to defeat. I believe they all met up together and decided to try to come back into her life at once because up until this point they had stayed away.
First off there was evil ex number 1 AKA Indecisive Man Aka Indecisive man who never knew what he wanted AKA Pirate AKA Mathew Patel.Although he had everything together for him at the time. He was young and wanted to take a break from her in the summer to have some no strings attached fun, and then would come back in September. Things didn't turn out the way he had planned because Queen left him and he has always been trying to get her back ever since. He repeated would show up unexpectedly and tried to cozy up to Queen without ever really expressing his feelings until the end.He was defeated at the hands of me when he couldn't penetrate the shield that had been cast over her. I believe he cried. I received no money for defeating him.
Evil ex number 2 AKA Money AKA Movie Star AKA Lucas Lee.This man actually had a leg up on me. He was tough to defeat. He had a wicked car, all the money in the world and wanted to buy Queen a house( and was actually serious about it, unlike a lot people who say things like that but just say it to sound cool) He just lacked one substantial thing. The power to care. I defeated him on October 30th 2009 when Queen was sick, so sick that she couldn't even walk. I bailed on work when I was practically two mins away and sat at her side consoling her and trying to convince her to get into an ambulance ( because of my lack of ride) to which she declined. So after a lot of persuading, we ended up calling Money for a ride who was none too happy to see me get into the car with them. He of course did jerkbag things like make me sit in the backseat while holding Queen in the front and MASHING my kneecaps with his seat. But none of that mattered because at the end of the day, he had to go back to his work and I was the one who sat there overnight while the doctor said she was close to dying. The doctor said it was the power of love that saved her, and as he was wearing studded rocker boots and a kick ass band t-shirt with his stethoscope, im inclined to believe him.( he actually was wearing that and he was a douche) Money never fully recovered after that one. He died of a broken heart two months later.
Evil ex number 3 AKA Italia AKA The Vegan AKA Todd Ingram. He actually stood a chance at winning. He had it all, he gave Queen a promise ring that belonged to his mom that his dad had given her, ( POWER UP!) but he had trouble keeping to his vegan lifestyle. Two weeks after Queen went to the Philippines to visit her grandmother, He began to share his meat along with other things with Queen's best friend at the time AKA Ho bag AKA Seran Wrap and he got her both a promise ring and an engagement ring to make her happy. With his vegan powers being diluted because of who he was eating, he went insane. He Chris browned his fiance and then performed Seppuku in his mothers house. I believe this all happened because he saw a vision of my awesomeness coming to kick his ass and couldn't take all the stress. He lost his powers and died shortly after.
Evil ex number 4AKA "Erd" AKA Roxie AKA Half ninja. He was this foot ball all star who Queen dated for only six months after she broke up with Indecisive man, but he was always around the corner. I never actually saw him due to his half ninja ways, But he always seemed to see me and her, her and me together when we were on dates. He was good in the way of the ninja, although oddly enough he was not a full ninja, only half. The other half was a pilot, albeit a failed pilot. Queen fought most of this battle and I sat back and watched the glorious battle. It wasn't until I was called a pussy and my manhood was called into question that I got into it with him, and man was he fast. He always knew where I was but I couldn't see him at all. We got into a battle of wits and I got him with the simplest question, why do you want Queen Cruz? His response was disheartening, he wanted the Asian pengpeng. I grew ten feet in that moment and crushed him. The result was not fun for the cleaning lady the following Monday, you know.. because its Saturday and she doesn't work on weekends.
This brings us to evil exes number 5 and 6: The Colombian and St. Clair AKA The Wonder Twins AKA Ken and Kyle Katayanagi. They are masters of the mind game and guilt. Both using excuses that they are dying or committing suicide to end relationships with Queen or in some cases to prolong the relationship. They vowed to work together closely once the pair realized that Queen couldn't decide which one she wanted to be with, kinda like cheating,but not really. It wasn't cool, but it was a dark time in her past. A bottle of Viagra was thrown at one to which he overdosed while the other fled to France and was never seen again. I unlocked an achievement for beating them both simultaneously.
Which brings us to the ultimate boss battle. Evil ex number 7 AKA Food AKA Marley Marl AKA
GIDEON GORDON GRAVES
Here is the most feared of all the evil exes. He had a way of getting into Queens head and making her believe that everything he did was right even if she didn't like it.He had the power to juggle three women at once including Queen who knew about it ( well one other girl ) and was still powerless to leave the odd foursome.How does one even find the free time to see three women on a daily basis? He had her so wrapped around his finger that her daily routine went something like this: wake up, take a shower, he takes her for lunch, then she would take a nap before she went to work, then he would drop her off to work ( which is the same time his other other woman got off work) get picked up at 11 30pm, get food ,head to his work until 9am ( which she would sleep on the couch or in the car and then get breakfast then go home nap for a few hours and then repeat. He was the most persistent, every time I got close to her, he would get into her head and confuse her. He had the power over subspace and time, and has the side effect of emotional warfare. He could trap her in her own mind full of good memories and erase all the bad. He was able to steal my power of love and use it against me, but I conquered him using the new found power of self-confidence. It burned with the power of a million suns and was able to free Queen from the crippling self doubt that he had ingrained into her. I received emotional tranquility and a meatball sub from Quiznos for defeating him.
We are Sex Bob-omb! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR.. This little synopsis took me two hours to write.
No comments:
Post a Comment